Self Pity

To experience self pity is to feel sorry for yourself. Self pity tends to be stultifying and inactive and can be likened to being caught in quicksand, slowly wallowing, then drowning in a morass of shame, self doubt and negative self talk.

It is a very powerful emotion. Yet, when we are feeling self pity, we rarely express it to others as, I am feeling sorry for myself. It is most frequently observed in people with low self esteem.

Instead, we tell the story of the situation that has happened to us, and which provokes the feeling, and our over-riding self pity encourages the listener to collude, or join together, with us.

Collusion in self pity is like forming a conspiracy together. The self pity needs to be fed in order to exist, so it requires complicity and agreement, both from within us and from others in order to stay alive. This in turn, fuels our sense of pity for ourselves, keeping us trapped.

Here is a little story which ably demonstrates this principle.

An old American Indian Grandfather was teaching his grandson about life.

“Inside each one of us there are two wolves constantly fighting”, he said.

“One of the wolves is positive and is filled with peace, calm, love and kindness. The other wolf is negative and filled with fear, anxiety, self pity and self doubt”.

“Grandfather”, said the boy. “If the wolves are always fighting, which one will win?”

“The one you feed the most”, said the Grandfather.

How can we choose to walk down a different path?

How do we choose not to feed the negative, all devouring wolf within us?

As the old saying goes, “Misery loves Company”.

As this powerful feeling evokes a reciprocal response from others, then treading the pity path can become a powerful habit. As with all habits, if it is indulged and well fed it can become tenacious and prevent us from choosing a better pathway.

Choice is a gateway which opens many possibilities for action.

Unfortunately when we go through the gateway and tread our way down the path to self pity, we prevent ourselves from seeing the other gate which leads to the pathway marked positive action, understanding and contentment.

Sometimes the habit of self pity becomes deeply entrenched and we fail to recognise that we have fallen into the pit of feeling sorry for ourselves.

However, once we recognise that we have this tendency to deal with situations in this way, we can often detect when we are swimming in the pity pool and haul ourselves painfully out of it, after swimming for a while.

An effective tool is to write it all down, under the heading, I Feel Sorry for Myself Because…..

Put the list aside overnight and read it out to yourself the next day. Often you can see more clearly that some of these ideas can be dealt with through action, or through grief, some through talking them out, some can just be crossed off the list, while others incur horrible embarrassment.

Have Courage and Be an Enabler

It can be very powerful to help someone to see that self pity is the name for the feelings they are having.

Trying to talk to someone who is drowning in self pity about positive opportunities can be like waving a flag from the beach to help a drowning man instead of swimming out with a lifeline.

My experience has been that to offer the lifeline to someone, in the form of actually naming the feeling or experience as self pity, can raise huge amounts of anger initially.

It takes courage and a certain amount of love and concern for the person. Often we come away from being with someone who is fully engaged in self pity, with a sense of unease and shame.

We recognise this because we know we would rather avoid them, than collude with them again. It doesn’t make us feel good about ourselves either.

However, the sheer truth of it is often received later as a positive experience.

Help your child to avoid walking the pathway to self pity.

* Don’t model this behaviour yourself.

* Discourage sulking.

* Enable your child to name his feelings.

* Provide opportunities for quiet, gentle, safe discussion.

* Build up your child emotionally.

The difference between self pity and grief and sorrow

There is a need to differentiate between self pity and hurt and emotional pain.

There are many times when the appropriate response to a situation is sadness, grief and sorrow.

This is more easily recognised as we usually express this to others using language such as, I feel as though my heart is breaking, or I never imagined I could feel this much sadness.

Active listening allows us to hear the pain within this and also allows for the expression of it. Grief dissipates over time as one grieves and allows the grief.

It is important in our care for others as well as ourselves that we understand, recognise and know the difference between self pity and grief.

By: Helen R Williams

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